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Googlesnack Treat

March 30, 2003 02:48

how to make a guy crazy about me

And I'm the number one hit. I can just imagine the hoardes of lovelorn teenage girls turning to the internet out of desparation to assist in their as so far bereft love lives, only to find me. While I'm quite certain that this wasn't the intended destination, as a service to my early teen lady in waiting demagraphic, I will attempt to provide some assistance in this regard.

There are two types of guys out there. The ones you want, and the ones that are interested in you. To make your life easier, select a candidate from the latter group. Yes, this guy will probably have glasses. Yes, this guy will have that annoying nasal voice. This guy MIGHT drool on you at inconvienent times, but the good news is, you won't have to try very hard.

However, it won't be the bed of roses I'm making it out to be. Despite his interest in you, there will still be many challenges to face. First of all, he's going to be shy. If you say "hi" to him and smile at him at the same time, he'll probably do one or more of the following things:

1. Stammer, stutter, and try several times to say the word "hi" back.
2. Shake uncontrollably.
3. Blush
4. Wet his pants, or do any number of other inconviently timed bodily functions appropriate just for this opportunity of embarrasment
5. Run away

After several such encounters, you might extend your conversation past the greeting. Don't get complacent though, he has just gotten past the shy mode and gone into sceptical mode. Remember something important. Everytime he ever talks to a girl he's interested in, and at this age, his qualifications are something along the lines of: female, living, and younger than his mom, the girl has brushed him off, laughed in his face, or said "sure!" only to stand him up later and tell the whole school about it, so they can join in the harrassment. So after years of being jaded in this way, girls are now the enemy. Rejection is not an option here. He simply can't risk it. So you might APPEAR to be interested, but he will suspect a sinister plot. It might take time to earn his trust.

Once you've earned his trust, or maybe long before, he will start to think that you like him. Instantly, this means, to him anyway, that you want to "do things" with him. Depending on his age and how much he's heard from his friends, "do things" might mean playing cards, or it might mean something more graphic like..... (insert cliche horror movie screeching sound effect)..... holding hands in public!!!!! Holding hands, of course, is a very dangerous activity. For many reasons. Sure, I'll be glad to tell you.

When you have nobody and you glance over at two people holding hands, it makes you jealous of both of them, and it also makes you want that. Because if YOU were the guy holding hands with the girl, then someone ELSE would feel like crap because his hand is more or less unheld. It sucks to be the guy with the unheld hand, so there's a definite symbolic guesture of superiority there. Sure, he might like you, and thats why he wants to hold your hand, but if he only wants to hold your hand in a busy hallway, you might want to be wary of his motives. For fun sometime, refuse to hold his hand when people are watching. Of course, you only want to do this if you enjoy whining, because you'll hear a lot of it. He'll think you don't like him anymore, and he won't be bashful about expressing this opinion, even loudly in public, despite however shy he might have been at first. So maybe you should just go along with it.

Of course, the other potential hazard is that it might lead to other things. Like..... touching you in an inappropriate place.... like... your..... SHOULDER! He'll want to casually drape his arm around your shoulder, which is probably more difficult than it would appear considering you're probably taller than he is at your age. But don't let this excuse lend to his desire to try a more convienent arm draping location, like your waist. This obsessive arm draping means that your bodies will be pressed together for the duration of the excersize. And he'll enjoy it. Probably a little too much. If he likes the arm draping but refuses to hug you, then he's definitely enjoying it too much. I wouldn't recommend pushing the issue, you'll learn a lot more than you want to.

And at some point he's going to want to do something nasty. Something that involves the grotesque exchange of bodily fluids. Yes, I'm talking about.... KISSING... ew!!! Now you have to be careful here. First of all, a lot of people will think it's inappropriate. Definitely your parents, and probably your teachers. But definitely your parents. In fact, if they catch you kissing him, they will probably say mean things. They might even chase him out of the house with a shotgun. This is normal parental behavior and won't in any way affect your relationship with him, once he gets out of counselling. You will just have to be more discrete. This means, practice this activity in places your parents are unlikely to discover it, like, oh, your parents bed. They will never think to look for you there, and even if they do discover you there, you can suddenly stop and pretend you two were sleeping, and they'll just admire how cute you look and silenty walk away. For reasons I'm not going to get into here, it's probably a good idea if you're UNDER the covers at the time, as your parents might not even notice.

At some point, like by the time you're 25, you might consider moving things past kissing. This activity is beyond the scope of this document, but I will give this advice to get you started. The best thing you should do is confidently walk up to your parents, sit them down, act really nervous, then blurt out that you're interested in discussing mature adult activities. Mention things like needing "protection". Ask what all those 4 letter words REALLY mean. This should keep your parents busy for a while. Good luck!

Oh, and as for the guy you actually want, well, he's probably pretty desparate too. He just drools less.